Then again, my heart has been broken. I feel as if I'm sinking....drowning....can't breathe...

I will never be able to read my favorite poem or see my favorite piece of art again without crying.

I found it funny you thought you were the one chasing, instead of being chased, when you first read it... that you were not the one burning brilliantly (and maybe always just a little out of reach).

I can't wear those socks or that t-shirt or the necklace or the bag anymore without feeling like any of them weigh two of me. (maybe it's our weight combined, like I now carry in my heart)

My first night in a long time waking up with a migraine and this is what's going on from the part of my head that can still manage to put together thoughts (will I ever sleep more than three hours again)

I'll never be able to listen to that song I dedicated to you, even if you didn't know I did so (it only applies even more since I had)

and she will also always be tears since I shared her with you... (my favorite song...... gone....)

I will never forget the first time, and me calling my mom after I watched you go, and asking her "why am I in so much pain right now?" (....she didn't answer, because she knew I already knew.)

Or years ago before I even met you when my friend passed me a story, about us, and said you'll love this and I said why would you think that, it's about reincarnation (and she said, /exactly/)

That /she/ will also be gone because I will always have to pass her up on the shelf without a second thought (that's a lie... there will be so many thoughts, and memories, I might collapse right there on the floor of the comic book store)

How will I ever be able to watch the movie about us again? (did I want to anyway) (yes... only with you at my side, though)

That I was supposedly your purpose, and you patched up a hole I didn't think could be patched, then ripped away the bandaging (to patch up someone else)

How do I see you and be able to look at you anymore (then again, would I be able to help it anyway?), or swallow down all the urges to brush your hair from your face (it was so hard in the first place)....

"What I'd say about you"

Did you really leave me again?

After all the seasons I spent waiting. 

Watching out the window. 

Listening at the door.

Waiting for the news of your return.

For the news that you realized someone important was waiting for you.

A whole lifetime I've been waiting.

I can't believe you're not coming back.

I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting.

I can't believe you left me again.

You didn't tell me to stop waiting. In fact, you said the opposite. But I can only think, what happens.... when you do?

A bit melodramatic, I guess.

someone......
please...

get

me


bleach


so

i
can stop


having
to see



all the blood
lines


on my mattress

each time


i change

a
goddamn
sheet

..............

I just want to see my dog again. Then I'd like to go.

"Come on , Dick, they're going to split us up eventually. You didn't think they were going to send us to the prison together, did you?"

"Sure I did."

"No, I doubt it."

"I never thought about that... Isn't that funny? I never thought they might break us up. Guess that makes me a dope.

If they hang us---would they do that together? At the same time?" 

"Probably. They have two gallows here, side by side."

"Then I hope they hang us."

"Sick and twisted and very, very sad."

"I want Billowy too. And the espadrilles. And the sunglasses. And you,"
On the train I told him about the day we thought he'd drowned and how I was determined to ask my father to round up as many fishermen as he could to go look for him, and when they found him, to light a pyre on our shore, while I grabbed Mafalda's knife from the kitchen and ripped out his heart, because that's all I'd ever have to show for my life. A heart and a shirt. His heart wrapped in a damp shirt

billowy

it's from one of my favorite books. the quote. i remember. yet..... i won't be able to go through the book and find it either. ol' billowy....... leave me billowy. and you..........wow i'm so much pain today

Finish your food. finish it. you have no money. don't waste it. you've lost twelve pounds in two weeks. who cares if it fucking hurts. you're in pain anyway. twelve pounds. twelve pounds, which puts you now twenty-seven to thirty-two off goal weight, if you decide to survive and thrive.


eat.