i'm so fucked up relapse here we come :)))))))))))

I know you're trying, to fight when you feel like flying

but if you love me don't let me go

this house don't feel like home

hold, hold on, hold onto me

because I'm a little unsteady



i don't even know what i want to say tonight. that every day i think i'm healing but then at night i remember. what i really am. and i'm so tired. quite literally since i'm still staying awake through my sleep meds. day #5 of little to no sleep. my friend's friend died tonight. she hasn't talked about it, and probably won't to me since our connection isn't deep in that way, but i'm guessing it was weather related. and i was out skating in the ice, laughing, loving it. a small good part of my night while i was in a lot of pain. but there are people out there, hurting. just like there are people out there laughing while i'm hurting. 65/35. it's what my favorite counselor said about my head ratio of transgender related problems/depression and anxiety. all i know is tonight, two of my friends are in pain from telling me, another that i can (always) feel, my mother, my oldest brother... me. i don't get to attend afternoon group tomorrow, or ever again because my insurance won't cover it. after so much healing happened /from/ the afternoon groups today (i was my good self), i can't stand the thought. and that overpass. it sounds really really good right now

please

please don't do it

You are the reddest leaf under the tree, so red you think it might burn you when you touch it

But it doesn't burn you, it crumbles in your hand



don't. hurt. yourself. don't you fucking dare. because then you can't go in voluntarily and you have no control. and don't even think about it with those skates. they are freedom /not/ destruction. don't fucking do it do not do not do not

There was a poem you wrote once

about how we moved from place to place and i never packed it was all just chaos shoved into garbage bags and once a screwdriver poked through one of the bags and almost impaled your eye while you were lifting it

well today i got a knife stabbed into the palm of my hand and a needle stuck in my finger from them being in places they shouldn't while cleaning up your messes so i'd say we're about even

But this hunger, it isn't you

I'm angry about a lot of things today. Let's start with the most irrational... that Mads Mikkelsen isn't somehow in my life realistically. That there's not a entire movie of him just ice skating so I'm watching a bad movie where he ice skates for five seconds in the beginning of it. Why I'm watching the whole movie anyway I don't know, I'm tired. Alright, moving on then. I haven't slept. which would be why I'm tired. Literally have not for even a second. I remember those nights/mornings. I don't want them back. I stayed awake through sleep meds. I had a panic attack about staying awake through the sleep meds. Which was probably triggered by the previous panic attack that was from extreme body dysphoria I experienced very very late at night (early morning? it was like 3am). I don't want to go to IOP. I am terrified all over again to be in any form of social setting. I thought that was gone. I am filled to the brim with self-hatred again when for two days post hospital I was finding so much love for myself. I'm angry about things I want that I can't afford to own. I'm angry I'm not on any kind of meds that will help me. I'm angry that the only med that has ever helped me is hard to obtain legally. I'm angry that I clean the house and it's trashed again within the next two days. I'm angry that I'm tired. I'm angry that my back hurts from my binder all the time now. I'm angry that in order to fix that I have to buy a new one instead of, I don't know, getting the surgery to correct the problem, or just being in the right body in the first place. I'm angry I have a panic attack every time I go downstairs to do my T shot today. I'm angry that I don't /want/ to do my T shot. I'm angry that I /have/ to do my T shot. I'm angry about a lot more shit but I'm tired. Very very tired.