But this hunger, it isn't you

I'm angry about a lot of things today. Let's start with the most irrational... that Mads Mikkelsen isn't somehow in my life realistically. That there's not a entire movie of him just ice skating so I'm watching a bad movie where he ice skates for five seconds in the beginning of it. Why I'm watching the whole movie anyway I don't know, I'm tired. Alright, moving on then. I haven't slept. which would be why I'm tired. Literally have not for even a second. I remember those nights/mornings. I don't want them back. I stayed awake through sleep meds. I had a panic attack about staying awake through the sleep meds. Which was probably triggered by the previous panic attack that was from extreme body dysphoria I experienced very very late at night (early morning? it was like 3am). I don't want to go to IOP. I am terrified all over again to be in any form of social setting. I thought that was gone. I am filled to the brim with self-hatred again when for two days post hospital I was finding so much love for myself. I'm angry about things I want that I can't afford to own. I'm angry I'm not on any kind of meds that will help me. I'm angry that the only med that has ever helped me is hard to obtain legally. I'm angry that I clean the house and it's trashed again within the next two days. I'm angry that I'm tired. I'm angry that my back hurts from my binder all the time now. I'm angry that in order to fix that I have to buy a new one instead of, I don't know, getting the surgery to correct the problem, or just being in the right body in the first place. I'm angry I have a panic attack every time I go downstairs to do my T shot today. I'm angry that I don't /want/ to do my T shot. I'm angry that I /have/ to do my T shot. I'm angry about a lot more shit but I'm tired. Very very tired.