"The good moments will be rare, but they will be worth the bad, and you'll get there" ....something I hear in different variations over and over again from different people as they try to convince me to survive this world.
There's something (eating at me) wrong with me. I am not okay with being alone. Maybe it's the pain I am in and it scares me to have time alone with my own thoughts and space that I am able to hurt myself in. Or maybe it's as simple as I like connecting with people. But it's something I've never realized before. That I don't like being alone. When connections are broken, when I am by myself, there's no escape and I revert back to the child I am. Maybe I get too attached. Maybe I'm too needy. Maybe I talk too much. Maybe my anxiety and depression will push anyone in my life away, always. (Maybe) I am not good enough.
swallowed by a vicious vengeful sea, darker days are raining over me
I have no job. I have no motivation to get a job. I was starving myself. I was tearing and slicing my skin off. I was setting myself on fire. I am still doing some of these things, I want to destroy myself, and I already have emotionally, but my body remains as an illusion so that the people that love me will not be hurt by my absence. But it's why I still disappoint them. I am already gone and they will not accept it. They keep throwing life vests to someone who has already sunk to the bottom of the ocean.
in the deepest depths I lost myself, I see myself through someone else
Inevitably, I will be gone. Am I torturing them by prolonging it? By giving them false hope? Do I rid myself of my pain and the mistake of a body I was given now, or do I wait it out. Do /I/ hope someone drags me from the bottom of the ocean, something I cannot ask anyone to risk their own life for. I see them, diving down into the depths, but they never quite reach me.
Do I stay, or do I go?
Do I stay, or do I go?
but I am ready, to suffer the sea
I need nothing, I need nothing
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