The stairs creak as you sleep it's keeping me awake

Some days I can't even dress myself

My face is clearer than it's even been, which to me is clear. Scars from years of dermatillomania but I don't see a single blemish. Which is ironic, considering I'm on testosterone and also have the dermatillomania.
But it's like my teeth. Regardless of the TMJ disorder and an open bite I take really good care of them. I found the best way possible to keep the "inevitable" cavities and gingivitis away and I do it.



Even more ironic,...because right now I look in the mirror and I am covered from chest to ankles in slashes. I did to myself.

I counted my scars today...or started to. I can guarantee 75% of them are self-inflicted. Or made worse by my own hands. I can also guarantee that percentage is higher but went with the "safe" guess. There's over a hundred. Not including the new ones. And not including the reinjuries because how can I remember how many times I've burned my knuckles by now or broken my own fingers. I guess all of that's expected for ten years of this?

This excludes the dozens upon dozens of scars I "made go away" (with time, and breaking open liquid vitamin E tablets and rubbing on the ointment for years and years, mostly on the ones that littered my forearms).

New ones total in at sixty-three. Five of which have been stitched to avoid a trip to the emergency room, I guess. Sixty-three over the course of two "relapses" in the span of three days. It's getting worse. I've never targeted my entire body. I've never done so much damage at once. I've never been fine with people seeing them, only hitting places I could easily hide. But I'm "an adult" this time, what is anyone going to do to me if they see them, besides probably not sit next to me? Which they do see them, frequently (and avoid sitting next to me).

I get to destroy myself without any consequences besides that I /am/ destroying myself. And the me that's here, is okay with that. But I will cover my mirror in my bathroom tomorrow, in hope it will help.


The vitamin E trick doesn't work anymore.